Fear of the Unknown

It has been a while since I have written a post here, or on my more work related blog at https://mullins.io. I have been very tired as of recently and have felt somewhat sick. I have not felt great in quite a few years, but chalked it up to getting older.  I mentioned some of the symptoms I was experiencing to a previous primary care doctor and he never really seemed to think it was anything to worry about.  He never advised me to see specialists or anything like that. He did not even tell me I had diabetes.  He put my on meds, but when I asked if I had diabetes he never really gave a yes or no answer. I know that I should have be a little more pushy to get a yes or no from him and I am not really sure why I didn't. This post is not about diabetes. My blood sugar is fine 99.99% of the time.  I have high A1C, but that is getting better. I moved in January 2023 and decided it was time to change primary care doctors.  I was recommended a doctor from family and the new doctor is about a mile away from the new house. This first visit with the new doctor was a little surprising.  I mentioned that I had 20+ kidney stones the past couple of years, and some gastrointestinal issues I was experiencing.  He wondered why I did not see a urologist or a GI doc.  I explained that I mentioned the symptoms to my previous doctor and he never suggested to see a specialist.  I was given some names of specialists and started making appointments.  I had numerous tests done by both specialists.  The urologist found the presence of kidney stones, which was not a surprise.  They are "normal" kidney stones and he said some people are just unlucky and have numerous kidney stones.  Awesome, I am an unlucky one. The GI doc also ordered different tests and told me I should have a colonoscopy. He prescribed some meds to help with symptoms I was experiencing and they helped. I scheduled the colonoscopy and it was about a 2-3 month wait.  I finally went in for the procedure this past Friday (I am writing this the Sunday after the procedure). I was expecting to maybe hear they found some small polyps, but everything looked normal. I did not hear that. The doctor told me they found a 5cm tumor. They biopsied it and biopsied something else as well. They also provided my with my images. They said I need to have the tumor surgically removed once the biopsy results come in. I have had numerous surgeries. Two back surgeries. One to remove the herniated portion of two disks and the second to remove the disks entirely after the first surgey did not successfully work. I now have six screws and two rods in my lower back. I had wisdom teeth surgery, as do many people. I had sinus surgery to fix my malformed sinuses to allow me to breathe better. I also had surgery on my throat/neck area to remove a large mass. The mass was benign thyroid tissue, not attached to my thyroid. All of these surgeries were in the past 17-ish years. Lately I have felt that I have a surgery every two to three years. Pain does not bother me, but I hate anesthesia. I hate the groggy feeling that lingers for hours. I hate waking up nauseous. I HATE ANESTHESIA!

I am now sitting here waiting to hear the results of the biopsies. I was told it could be a week or longer. That is a lot of waiting. I know that no matter what I need to have surgery.  While I do not like the idea of more surgery, I am fine with it. I can even deal with the anesthesia that I hate. The difficult part to deal with is the waiting for the results. The unknown. It could be cancerous, or it could be benign. It is a fairly large tumor for the colon at 5cm. I enjoy science and I really like facts and figures. This means I have Googled a ton, both about 5cm colon tumors and colon surgeries. The waiting is really getting to me. I am not a patient person.  I like to get things done and I cannot do anything right now except wait... and think. So many things are running through my head. Sadly one of the worst things running through my head is about my job.  The job market and economy is very unstable right now and I fear what will happen if the biopsy comes back as cancerous and in this job market my company deems me as unnecessary and I get laid off. I need my income and I need my health insurance. I know this should be the last thing I worry about, but it is the first thing. My income provides for my family. I am not worried about the recovery from the surgery. That will be simple. I was walking around the grocery store four days after having titanium inserted into my spine. I know I will be up and about very quickly after colon cancer. I may even work from the hospital as that is what I do. I have to keep busy. The upcoming work week will serve as a distraction as I await the results of the biopsy, or at least I hope it will. I just want to know the results so I can plan the next steps. I know I will be OK.  I am Superman. A tumor will not stop me. I am not done yet. I have a lot more to do. I am ready for whatever fight I need to be in, but I am not ready for the unknown. I hate the unknown. I may hate the unknown more than I hate anesthesia. I just want to get it overwith so I can continue on with my life. I am, of course, hoping the results of the biopsy are that the tumor is benign, but I am ready if it is not. I just need to know. I have been a software developer for a long time so many things run through my head in pseudocode. If cancerous, then fight, else have surgery and get on with my life. While alive, keeping working hard.

I know this post was kind of all over the place, but that is how my head is right now. My thoughts are all over the place. I will find clarity soon, hopefully this week. I will get answers and I can formulate a plan. If you read this far, thank you! Also, I will try to write a little more often.