I am writing this while sitting in a hospital bed.  They removed 14 inches of my colon.  I have some pain in the abdomen in the areas of the numerous incisions, but this is not biggest pain.  My back and tailbone are causing me the most pain.  I had multiple back surgeries 16 years ago, resulting in needing 6 screws and 2 rods in my lower back. I also fell on ice about 10 years ago or so and fractured my tailbone. Both are extremely painful when sitting on uncomfortable furniture. The hospital room has an uncomfortable bed and and uncomfortable chair. I have no idea when I will get out of here. All of my numbers look good except for my white blood cell count. It is at 19 bil/L. It will need to drop quite a bit to be let go. White blood cell counts can increase for many reasons, but the main reasons are stress, infection, and injury. I definitely have an injury, surgery.  I am definitely stressed. I hope there is not an infection in the colon. I almost certainly have a sinus infection as I have one many, many times a year.

I have an ileostomy, a bag to collect waste while the area of the colon that was affected during surgery heals. The ileostomy will be reversed, which will require another surgery, more anesthesia, another hospital stay.

I do not do well in the hospital. I am not doing well mentally. Not many things can stress me out like a hospital stay. I fear I will never leave the hospital. I fear my family will see they are perfectly fine without me. I fear I will be forgotten about. These are all unfounded fears, but I still have them. I cannot help it. I hate having no control. I am uncomfortable, stressed out, and nervous.

Many people will say "just let them give you meds to help these things", and sure, that may work for some people. I hate meds that mess with my mind. Extra strength Tylenol and a mild muscle relaxer have been the only pain meds I have taken, for the most part. Last night I did take oxycodone to try to relieve the pain from my tailbone. There are multiple reasons I do not like to take pain meds. The first, as previously mentioned, is I do not like things that mess with my head. The second, and more important reason, is that my entire family, both my mother's and father's side, have addiction problems and I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER, let that happen to me. I have a high pain tolerance. The pain in my abdomen is mild, in my opinion. I was walking the hallways 4.5 hours after I made it to my room Thursday night (walking was technically Friday morning - 2:30AM). I do not need the narcotic pain relievers therefore I am not going to take them. My main goal in life has been to not be like my addict family. I understand it is a disease, but it is a disease I can control. If I do not take the pills I cannot become addicted.

This is mostly a rant from me and less of an update, and I apologize for that, but I feel like I am going to explode. I need out of here before I lose my mind.